I'm a career girl at heart. There I said it, phew. I tried to do the full-time mom thing, I really did. I immersed myself in the beauty of my newborn baby. I snuggled, swaddled, nursed and cooed. All the stuff that's supposed to come naturally to women. And it lasted exactly 3 months. THREE MONTHS. I know that seems like a really short time, but to me it was a frickin' eternity (granted, I was awake for most of it). Of course I loved Micah. Desperately. But I craved mental stimulation - I'd had a career for so long, it was impossible for me to quit cold turkey.
So I decided to start a skin care company, something I could control and manage on my terms. I imagined myself tapping peacefully on my computer while my son hummed quietly on the mat with his cars. Which is partly true, except that the cars are being thrown at me (with force). And there is bloodcurdling screaming (from him) and the dog is eating the couch so there is more bloodcurdling screaming (from me). And the phone is ringing. And Dora is singing. And the smoke alarm is going off because I forgot the fish sticks in the oven. And somehow I send an email to the patent attorney. I think. Or did I send it to the babysitter instead? Did the TV just blow up? Who knows? Wine... I need wine!
For some (naive) reason I thought I'd be equally good in both worlds. I thought motherhood was something all women were good at. That I just needed some practice. But now, 3 years later, I can honestly say that's horse-crap. I'm still far better at work than I am at parenthood. My friends say that's because parenthood is so much harder, but its not true. At the end of the day some people are good moms, and others are good bosses. That's just how it is. All you can do is keep trying to get better, even if that means you'll never be great. I guess there's a major learning for my Type-A personality there somewhere. Mental note to explore this at 3pm tomorrow....
And now I'm stuck with the decision on whether to have another baby. And its a weird thing. Because my head says I'm crazy. Where will I find the time? How can I keep track of 2 kids when 1 has me stupefied? How many times can I set the oven on fire before it blows up? How little sleep does a woman need before she self-combusts? I looked on Google, and apparently you can go around 28 days without sleep before you drop dead. Good to know.
And then my heart says its the right thing to do. That I'll regret it if I don't. That things will all work out. The universe will provide. Ok, I don't think my heart said that last bit, but I read it on Pinterest and it sounded great. Plus my clock is ticking, and if there is one thing I hate more than anything, its the feeling that I might miss out on something, even if that something is a really bad idea. Which has gotten me into some sticky situations in the past, most involving law inforcement, stern warnings and begging them not to tell my parents.
But I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be able to talk my way out of this decision.
So what do I do? If this was a business issue, I'd go to an expert for advice. Someone that's got way more experience than me and expects a fancy lunch in return. But I don't think a free lunch is gonna cut it this time. Something tells me that there is no right or wrong answer. Which is yet another reason I'm not a great mom, I look for right and wrong where it doesn't exist.
Something tells me that my heart might win on this one though. Not becuase I'm soft hearted or emotional. But becuase Micah asked me for a sister the other day. And he promised her he'd feed her every day. Just like the dogs.
I just hope she won't eat out couch. That might be a dealbreaker.