Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it. I freaking loathe Christmas. As a kid I loved it, I mean who didn't? You got off school, you ate good food, you were given cool gifts and all you had to do in return is make your parents something cute out of a shoebox, an egg carton and some part of a toilet roll. But what's to love now? Work piles up regardless, you have to cook the food, you have to buy the gifts, you have to wrap the gifts. You have to entertain family members that believe Satan inhabits alcohol (don't ask), you're forced to listen to freaking awful carols (again) and you're expected to do all this with a "ho-ho-ho" sober-as-the-day-you-were-born smile on your face. Well bite me, I've had enough!
This year things are going to be different. Firstly I'm not putting lights up around my house. There is no way in hell I'm standing in the freezing cold, clipping $3 lights all around the roof only to realize that they don't work. Or at least that part of them don't work. Which is worse because the way I see it, lights mark Santa's landing strip. And if part of them are missing, there is a good chance you're going to get 900lbs of reindeer and sleigh crashing through your family room window. On Christmas eve. When no repair people work and it's 30 degrees outside.
So this year I threw our lights in our tree. Literally. Yes my house looks like something from "My Name is Earl". But it was quick, it was easy and there were no ladders. And if Santa happens to take out our tree in a botched landing attempt, so be it. We can deal with the damage after the new year. Plus the tree is on city property so we won't have to deal with his liability threats. Booyah!
I did compromise and decorate a Christmas tree. Big mistake. My son took off the decorations and deposited them in the toilet. And I use the word "deposited" because there was nothing random about his strategy. He systematically chose each ornament for maximum clogging and porcelain staining ability. The decorations were super cheap and tacky (no surprises there) so you'd think they'd disintegrate on contact. But no, oh no. Especially not the straw owl. With a bright red (now pink) santa hat and a pompom. No, ho, ho. Note to BP: next time you have an oil leak, plug it with straw owls. Problem solved. Guaranteed.
And I used to be quite respectful of my in-law's teetotaler attitudes. Which meant I was sober. But this year I'm drinking. Liberally. Because if I'm going to be expected to cook and wrap gifts and listen to cheesy freaking christmas carols I'm going to do it on my terms. And my terms are as follows: I either have to be rich (no chance in hell), thin (ha ha) or drunk. Drink anyone?
So all in all I think I might have a very jolly Christmas. And you never know... next year I might become rich or thin and my in-laws can write off 2010 as a glitch in my otherwise perfect record. Either way, that's next year's problem.
Happy holidays everyone.
